Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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