The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Randomize
