Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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