i permit you to call me
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
