My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
A+ Viking dick
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
