I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
