I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
