Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Randomize
