I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Randomize
