Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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