I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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