I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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