I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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