I've blown a few things in my day
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Randomize
