I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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