My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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