So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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