I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
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