i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
