There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
