so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
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