On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
