mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
You pole danced in your parka.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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