Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
