my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
