wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
