I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
