I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
