Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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