I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
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