ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
