I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Randomize
