Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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