From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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