i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
