Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Randomize
