sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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