i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
