Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
