Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Randomize
