I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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