my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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