I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
