Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
