a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
