Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Still dying that you shit outside
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
