and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
