Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
