Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
