we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
