apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
