now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
