Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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