I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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